5th ANNIVERSARY GUEST BLOG 2, CAT RAP, BY SALEM THE CAT

i'm a diabetic
my life aint hectic
i dont give a shit
as long as i get a hit
skin-pop that insulin
and you know i dont do a thing
round here
but never fear
cos i look sweet
got furry paws for feet
and wide kitten eyes
that tell no lies
and tho i'm sixteen
aint no hasbeen
and aint no mouse
in this here house
unless i bring em in
to feck em up and do em in
got too much know-how
to even bother with miaow
so i gurgle
and i squeak
and i warble
and i bleep
like R2D2
i'm real people
in a real gang
cos thats my thang
a gang of two
we do feck all
me and Tiger Face
no food at his place
i cant take the pace
so he eats my food
which is fecking rude
taking whats mine
all the freaking time
so i chase him off
cos i am the boss
and i got no balls
so i never get horny
and i take a nap
whenever i get yawny
snoring so bad
it just aint funny
and theres lots of love here
but it sure aint corny
like i'll lay on daddys belly
when he watches rubbish telly
all afternoon
in the living room
laying on the sofa
i ruined with my paw claws
he should of got one cheaper
or laid down more laws
when i moved in
i escaped a loony bin
thats my history
met police dissed me
in london flats
not allowed cats
and plain clothes raids
cos pay-offs werent made
now i'm here
i dont know no fear

i might act hard
but i'm soft as lard

like at night

everything is alright
and i sleep
dont make a peep
on mummys head like a hat
she calls me stink face and soppy cat 
i backcomb mummys hair
like an 80s rock star
and it smells nice
nicer than mice
and i dont got a care
except when i'm hungry
and theres rumbling in my tummy
its not fair
i got to go all the way over there
so i wake up a human
who goes to the loo again
i pretend they escort me
to my bowl instead of to wee

i am seven kilos 
thats more me tho
to feck about and freeload

i might act tough

and play a bit rough

but only briefly

cos i'm fat and wheezy

and when daddys writing

i go in there scrabbling

at the books 

on the low shelves

till daddys all evil looks 

and swearing hell

so yo you bitches

i got itches
from fleas
and midges
and i need attention 
twenty four seven
so scratch my chin
and i'll start purring
loud like a tractor
this is Salem comin at ya
signing off
peace out
bo-yaa