SCREAMING BOY

Lamp lights policemans lined face saying DOES LEGO STAND FOR LET LEGO ROCK?  I am saying NO dream copper thinking Lego’s an acronym.    

Dark dream before early alarm I wash it away.  In the shower spray sparkles.  Dial it hotter then more hotter held safe inside dancing drops. 

TV Paxman saying DO YOU AGREE CONDOMS HELP PREVENT THE SPREAD OF AIDS?  Blair does.  Soon to be Catholic will meet the pope.  Expression too reasonable makes his evil your fault.  Paxman saying WHEN YOU MEET THE POPE WILL YOU TELL HIM?  Blair saying BLAH BLAH BLAH hands wide eyes wide like it’s childish to ask. 

It is St Colman of Cloynes Day was poet laureate of Ireland back when being a scald meant something.

     Bus empty because so early I am sitting in middle of back seat.  Feel like a king.  Dead foxes left by farmers as warning rot on A road verges.  Burnt out blue Focus by the petrol station sells caravans now.  Van men smoke on phones hunched over the wheel teenagers ride silent shotgun.  Couple of clouds over the Thames glow pink in the grey.

     7.30 AM canteen miserable woman puts cheap bacon on white slices bearded IT consultant hair gelled in a dinosaur crest saying MY DAYS! as she butters it he belly laughs WHY NOT MORE FAT?  Married to statuesque black woman adopted her kids watches Disney Pixar movies on his laptop between meetings he says LATERS strolls up to Finance with milk.  He has my Come And See DVD.  Don’t want it back.

Builders in torn hoodies and hi-vis on hot mobiles queue for full English’s charm smiles out the cooking crone.  Building £8 million multi-storey opposite A&E.  Unspecified amount to be deducted from wages for staff to park.  Everyone talks about it saying I AINT PAYING, I AINT PARKING THERE.  

Nothing to read I am watching the world out the tall tinted window.  Buses coming in swinging round going out.   Nurses in hats hurry from cabs and husbands cars.  Sandwich going down sweet HP sauce mixing with melting butter all clear yellow and wet brown.  Builders spread The Sun out and lean in. 

I feel a sense of community under canteens high ceilings and hollow tinny chatter hospital day just starting.  I shake it off.

Tom ex-police bigot sitting six tables down opens the Mail waits to retire.  Same post as me he does little.  Parades around in three-piece when he got a free Mason do after work.  Leaving I nod to him.  He is surprised.  MORNING to Jim MAU with carrier bag and coffee.  Still in DMs like when I knew him in 92. 

In the office women over 40 bought these glass coasters you can put pictures in.  Bought off the book man leaves books and other bits on the side in offices collects them and money in an envelope week later.  Pass him in the corridors pulling a plastic trolley looks knackered nothing ironed.  They print pictures of a pale vampire boy from a movie.  They concentrate seal his face in glass talk about their dogs and grandchildren called Brandon. 

I am sipping hot coffee out a brown stained Covidien mug salt of the earth I am telling myself not easily led drones.  Janines nephew I call Carboy is walking about playing Mine Sweeper on a PDA makes cars noises like tyre squeals and handbrake squeaks eats crisps his collar up tattoos out. 

I COULD HAVE THAT PASTY FAGGOT he says. 

HES PRETTY they chorus expressions motherly indulgent.

DON’T YOU SAY NOTHING ABOUT EDWARD! Janine says to me. 

     I sigh say MORNING look to work.  Theres bags for MI unit come in.  No one else goes down there.  NOT ON MY ROTA everyone says WHY SHOULD I DO IT.  This attitude prevails.  I been there before with Shirley Rose.  We explore.  We been on the roof.  I wedged the door open.  She laughed.  DON’T WANT TO BE THE PEOPLE GOT STUCK ON THE ROOF I say YOU EVEN GOT A PHONE ON YOU?

     I’LL TAKE THESE I say GET THEM OUT THE WAY.

     THANK YOU Janine says snaps little scissors.  Julie the boss on diet of water and one biscuit dead lighted eyes looks like she never heard of the MI nods. 

     Janine does a dance swings her hips.  Another Edward pic on Google images.  I am feeling irritation.

     PRINT THAT ONE FOR ME.  WANT THAT ONE.  Childishly.

     WHAT YOU DOING?  Julie says is dazed.  Left out but doesn’t get up.  Not seen the films not read the books.  Got HR appointment later meeting union rep first.

     The MI unit half a mile down Level A corridor run by different Trust.  We supply stuff for blood tests.  24 ply gauze and 21g needles and plasters and 6ml purple top blood bottles and Transpore tape bang my knee in plastic bag.  The marked-up Meccano we do can’t help head problems.  Belhus ward.  Top floor.  Secure ward. 

     MORNING to Cancer Rob maternity porter waits to retire over-tanned orange chest exposed out his tunic says MORNING back in measured clipped voice.   

Skinhead porter with goatee and tattoos never smiles drives yellow Bradshaw Electric Vehicle tows breakfast carts past me standing out the way CHEERS MATE.  Theatre orderlies slowly roll early patients in from main lifts.

     Link corridor to MIU always empty.  Worn wooden floor is split low sunlight diffuses thru filthy frosted plastic wall.  Silence.  Rusty penny perched on the wooden handrail where I left it last time down here with Shirley Rose when that guy got out.

     Enter MIU proper everything changes.  Abstract art painted on pastel walls.  Chill muzak plays low.  Square sofas sit empty.  No one down here at all.  I am in a lift go four floors up floors announced by polite female voice. 

     Level D old couple composed in coats sit on pastel chairs clutch hands and small bags.  Look at the same nothing bit of floor together.  Look up at me I nod.  No staff no smiles.

     Primal screaming comes from behind the locked door.  Hairs on the back of my neck rise.  Never heard anything like it.  A scream at the emptiness of Wednesday morning.  A screaming to let it all out.  It doesn’t stop.  Old couple look at the same bit of nothing floor.  Wednesday morning nothing he’s not putting up with it.

     Belhus ward.  Top floor.  Secure ward. 

     I buzz the buzzer look thru the glass slit.  Inner door rattles open big black man in white fists full of keys looks at me confused.  He’s opening outer door I am holding up bags he’s nodding reaching.  Screaming way louder now.  The old couple looking at him recognition registers.  He doesn’t know what to say.

What a scream!  What relentless yelling!  I am uncomfortable.  So loud.  So primal.  So horribly free.  I am exposed.  I am intruding on something.  In the middle of some else’s pain.  I am cold all over.

The old couple say together THAT’S HIM, THAT’S OUR BOY.  HERE TO SEE HIM.  They mean the screaming boy.  He’s their boy.  Soft winter sun washing colour from us all.  Their boy.  They know his scream. 

Nodding black guy says I’LL LET THEM KNOW.  Flicks me a look disappears behind locks and doors scream muffles only slightly. 

     Slowly leaving down empty stairs.  Scream echoes inside me.  Haste and smiles have no place here.  Wednesday morning never felt so useless.  Porter carting a cage of Coke and crisps and Kit Kats sees my shock. 

In the link corridor soft sun filters thru filth.  Far away hospital bustle is light at the end of the tunnel.  A scream couldn’t make more sense.  I walk in a dream.  Break a cold sweat.  Go outside.

     Low winter sun coming at me sideways like some glowing knowing eye.  Smoking shelter out back of theatres theres a woman in blue scrubs.  I recognise her but she’s had a haircut talks to a cleaner looks likes a bulldog.  I am nodding stand alone on the fire path weeds poke thru concrete shapes. 

I am rolling a cigarette.  I am squinting upwards so see only sky.  The scream echoes inside me.  His parents rumpled beige anoraks sepia photographs inside me.  Air is still between ward blocks.  Grey clouds hurtle along faraway.

Cleaner is saying she watched Something About Mary with her fella he didn’t like it then went home and she walked her dog taped over it with Scary Movie tonight he’s cooking.  Their eyes look dead Superking smoke spirals in still air.  Sirens wailing up the A road.

I feel desperate.  I feel mad.  I inhale deep.  Screaming never made more sense.  Screaming makes total sense.  This is all going on.  This talk.  This sky.  Back in there that was all going on.  Screaming going on.  Quiet parents quiet faces waiting going on. 

Outside the office I telling Janine what I heard it had no power couldn’t make her see.  Julie the boss gone to appointments.

Mobile bleeps in my pocket with a text.  Rarely get a signal in here.  Roll a fag go out by mortuary call her back.  I’m listening about her diet.  She can feel the fat disappear tingling off her thighs in TV evenings.  I’m telling her about screaming boy.

YOU OK JOHNNY? she says.

WANT TO GO HOME HIT THE SCOTCH IN DIM LIGHT AND SILENCE.  WHERE DO WE GET THE USELESS STRENGTH TO PERPETUATE?  I say.

JOHNNY IT’LL BE OK, HAVE SOME DINNER OK?  I CALL YOU TONIGHT she says.  

Back in the office there’s new glass coasters everywhere.