NOT AGE

since turning 40 in a hot sticky summer haze of fever
surgical masks 
and cancelled trips 
there is question mark hanging 
over ever dry dust and fresh scrubbed 
and palm-open or fist-closed face 
where 
an 
age 
could be printed in a bold times font 

i am unable to fill this gap with a number 
but prefer to place phrases there like 

CHILD
HALF WIT 
or ENLIGHTENED
like 
TRYING
SURVIVING 
or SELF-CENTRED
like 
HIDING
OVERHEATED
or WILLINGLY DELUDED

i label in lower case 
always ready to erase 
in the accepting wind-tides of change and progress 
and 
the 
word 
above my head is not for me to write there 
but i do lean back 
or quickly look up 
in hopes of catching a glimpse 
of 
my 
current perceived status